Friday, August 5
life is strange. it's hurtful, yet meaningful. it teaches painful lessons, but it helps u grow. sometimes i feel hollow inside. there's so much i feel, think, but i dont know how to express it. everything just adds to the confusion. i dont even noe where the start begins and where the end ends. its just one big blur, nothing distinct. i question myself, the purpose in life, why i do the things i do, why people do the things they do. but at the end, i get no answers, i come to no conclusion. i know that there's probably no answer, but sometimes i wish it were that simple, and that there was a straighforward answer. then maybe everything wouldnt be so complicated and confusing.
i was talking to H online on wed, about someone and relationships in general. then i started crying, for no apparent reason. until now i have no answer as to why i cried, maybe its just a way of releasing pent up emotions, but then i would have felt better after that right? well, i don't. i still dont know what i should do. listen to other's and just take a chance and say it out or follow my brain and keep it inside. i dont feel i can muster the courage to actually say it out, even though my heart suffers in the silence. maybe i'll blurt it out soon or smth. until then...i guess i'll just stay in limbo. im still as befuddled as ever, my emotions all in one big mess. its like im having an internal conflict inside, but somehow my brain and body feels detached. like im sitting by the sidelines watching the conflict happening, with no idea what to do. maybe thats the feeling of hollowness. the feeling of emptiness. that u're there but u dont feel like you're there.
then also on wed, JJ told me a bit about her family background. and then i realise how lucky i am to have a great family, and even luckier to have a great mum.
after JJ talked to me, memories started flooding back. from a year ago. when my grandma died. she was really close to me and it was even worse as she was recovering from stomach cancer. and she died of heart attack the night of the day she was taken out of ICU. the day she saw my mum, aunt and uncle -her children- together. i think it's after she saw them, and felt contented with where they are now, that she lost the will. the will to live and the strength to fight. she just placed her life in god's hands. totally unexpected. the look of sadness and loss on my mum's face is unforgettable, the empty feeling and helplessness i felt came rushing back. as i thought back on it at yoshinoya, i knew i'd started tearing by then. the only comfort was that my grandma's home now, in the lord's home, and i know she must be really happy.
at that time, i didnt know what to do to support my mum, except to give her hugs. i dont think anything i said would have mattered much then. that dim period is clear yet hazy in my head. imagine walking down the corridor in school, everyone walking past but yet it seems like no one else exists, that you're alone and that no one else is there. you walk past people, and continue to lead ur normal life, but nothing seems to register. nothing seems to come into focus, like you're in a big bubble. that again is the feeling of hollowness. like u exist but u feel u don't.
as im typing this i got reminded of smth i watched. the movie 'the island'. this movie is another movie that greatly affected me. actually the only other besides 'the last samurai'. after watching it, it was terrible. felt like crying. in some sense these two movies have distinct similarities. they both deal with killings and the reality that humans can be so cruel, so so cruel to things and people. these are the two movies that are actually thought provoking for me. it touches on real and deep issues, a depiction [however exaggerated] of reality, instead of the usual brainless plots that most movies have. the island is about cloning. its about how these clones are kept in a facility, and they dont realise that they're clones (cos they are 'programmed' not to find out), that their purpose is to provide babies or body parts for their 'clients'. and in the end when 2 clones find out the truth, the authorities realise that there's a defect. and in order to prevent the defect and to ensure the satisfaction of the client, they decide to kill all the clones in the current generation. the thing is that the clones are portrayed as human beings, capable of though, feelings, emotions, memories. it's almost like witnessing a mass killing of humans. how would you feel? for me, the thought just disgusted me. it was morbid and cruel. call me innocent. call me inexperienced. call me ignorant to the cruelty of life. but its something that im not able to stomach easily. and i dont think anyone with a heart and conscience will be able to.
after the movie. i just wanted to curl up into a ball and hug myself and write. iwas hugging myself the whole way back to RI. the harsh reality of life is overwhelming at times. there's no escaping the fact that mankind can be so cruel in it's quest for survival. sometimes we forget or dont realise that at the end of the day we have to depend on each other for survival. when we lose sight of that, we think the world revolves around us and nothing else matters except survival. we become selfish, mean, self-centered,harsh,cruel,unfeeling. it's animal instinct i guess. survival of the fittest. but that doesnt mean that we have to become a horrible person to survive right?
maybe its niave thinking but part of me doesnt believe that the world is all cruel and harsh. im sure that there are sincere, kind and helpful people out there, just that we have to find them. maybe its childish but i still believe that people can change and the world will be a better place to live in. no matter how unrealistic it may seem, esp to the cynical ppl, the believe that there's hope for us, to be nicer to each other, to be nicer to our surroundings, to be less judgemental of people, that the world will be a friendlier and less cold place, keeps me going. it is this belief that helps me see the brighter side of things, the better side of people, to give others a second chance, to trust people, to believe in myself. the hope brings light when everything is clouded in darkness.
hmm writing and painting used to help me get out everything. but it seems as if its too confusing to be expressed or maybe i just need to find another way.
a myraid of emotions. the first death anniversary of my grandma; 13th aug fri 2004 will be forever etched in my head. the birthday of me and my mum. one before and after my grandma's death. my feelings towards someone. gratefulness to my friends and family, contentment with the love and support i have. all conflicting emotions.
sadness+joyousness+friendship+contentment+confusion+loss+emptiness
+happiness+fortunate+love+hollowness+like+admiration+hope= ????
cant be described. cant be penned. cant be painted. cant be expressed.[if you didnt really get what i've typed. haha not surprising. i cant follow what i say sometimes. its just my expressions. if the world were so comprehensible it wouldnt be so complex. hmm maybe this is not me typing. maybe im being controlled. like clones? maybe i'll wake up someday and relise im a copy of someone. like some inner voice is telling me what to do, what to say. now
that would be a freaky thought...]
