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Disclaimer: If you don't like anything i say, close this window or go ahead and contradict me.
Monday, May 8
great, i so needed to end my night like this

it's love/hate relationship. mostly love, but...
why do all of u expect so much from me, and i never expect anything

all my life, since i was old enough to think for myself, i've never asked for help, either because it won't be given or nobody knows how to give it.
i never asked u for help when i didnt understand, i had to go find out for myself. u never saw what went in, as long as i brought home the grades.

yet now i'm expected to drop everything for her. and when i say 'later' u glare at me with accusing eyes. even in primary school, when she forgot to bring her art materials, she would worry and keep whining about how much her teacher would punish her until i lent her mine. and in turn i got scolded by my teacher for not bringing my materials. she never had to take the blame for it because i was there to bear the brunt. but when i forgot to bring mine, did i have anyone i could borrow from? no. why? because she never bothered to lend me. you would think it's my duty, being the older one, but isn't it supposed to be a sharing thing? you help me, and i help you. you never did see all that happened. i was glad the day i left.

have you ever thought maybe that's why she's so dependent on others? whenever she meets with a problem, someone's there to solve it for her, someone's there to bear the brunt. maybe that's why she doesn't have tt intrinsic drive to find out for herself instead of going to others, because she has never needed to fend for her own.

last minute work never worked for me. that's why i dont do it. what makes you think that it'll work for you?

these are the times i hate being the first child. maybe that'll explain why i was never close to you, and will probably not ever be? it's a bitter relief.

all you see is the invincible me, but doesnt everyone have cracks?
i hide and you'll never see the tears.

`wordsofthecynical
10:33 pm


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